Getting Turned On Is Different for Everyone
I hear it all the time – ‘I’m just not interested in sex with my partner.’ Most of the time it has caused a lot of frustration, feeling like your ‘broken’ or that your partner isn’t attracted to you. If we’re talking about low libido – what or who are we comparing it to? There’s common myths in our society that affect our sex lives and create unrealisitic expecations.
Myths of Sex Drives and Low Libido
“Men are ready for sex anywhere, anytime”
Yes, that is true for some people – women included. But, it’s not the norm…and certainly changes throughout the lifespan. You’ll be surprised how many men talk to me about feeling like a failure or inadequate because they don’t have that urge for sex all of the time. Also, sometimes the urge for sex anywhere, anytime can actually be a symptom of a form of sex addiction or an unhealthy drive.
“Sex just disappears as you get older or further into the relationship”
Yes, sex in the beginning of the relationship is often more spontaneous and frequent for many couples. That’s often driven by the newness of the relationship or intense hormones. However, sex does change as you age and the longer the relationship goes. BUT, it can often get better. Sex can be more enjoyable with deeper intimacy and vulnerability. Plus, the more you know about your body, yoru partner’s body, your turn-ons, their turn-on…the better the sex. Libido is only one part of the equation.
“Your libido is what it is, no changing it”
Your libido, or interest in sex, is one ingredient into the sexual experience, not the whole recipe. Particularly, there is a difference in libido that is rarely talked about – spontaneous vs responsive. Spontaneous libido, or sexual desire, is the one that gets all of the attention. It’s what we see in entertainment and the media. It’s where you randomly get turned on and want a sexual experience with your partner. Responsive libido is where you get turned on when you have an sexy scene or sexual touch that kickstarts your interest in sex.
Feeling Confident in Your Sex Drive
Developing healthy communication with your partner about sex is essential. Being curious about each others libido can help you understand what needs to happen in your sexual relationship to feel excited about the experience. Knowing that one or both partners have a responsive libido helps to know how to initiate sex, or to find out of there is mutual interest in sex at the time.
If sex, or intercourse, isn’t happening at that time, what if there are other ways to connect physically or sexually? Specifically with so much emphasis gets placed on orgasm, that the rest of the sexual experience gets overlooked. A non-intercourse sexual experience can actually heigthen the next sexual experience, which may include intercourse. Not feeling ‘pressure’ to perform or to have sex with your partner can actually create a higher interest in sex.
What language do you use about your sexual relationship? How do you feel open about your turn-ons or fantasies? Knowing your partner is interested in your pleasure is sexy and exploring new sexual experiences can provide variety and keep the relationship fresh.
What Next? Addressing Low Libido
Talk to your partner. Let them know you are interested in talking more about libido and the sexual relationship. Acknowledge you may have a problematic perspective of their libido and you want to learn more – you’re leading with curisousity. It can relieve some pressure in the relationship and launch a new level of intimacy in the relationship.
Establish a way to talk about interest in being sexual with each other. If you or your partner has a responsive libido, knowing how to ask about interest in a sexual experience is essential. Maybe you’ll use a 1-10 scale (1 being ‘don’t ask, not gonna happen’ and 10 being ‘rip our clothes off’). Maybe you’ll use a cold/cool/warm/hot scale. Or, you’ll make up your own. Knowing you can start with some sexual foreplay without expectation of intercourse/orgasm, it can help to stimulate the interest of each other.
Be playful. Take some of the intensity out of the situation. Be curious, explore, share with each other how you’re feeling about the experience. Intimacy comes through vulnerability. In this way, vulnerability is a massive strength, not weakness.
If you find yourselves struggling in your sexual relationship, there is support. You can find a therapist who can help. Here at Twin Cities Marriage & Family Therapy, we’re here to help. Schedule a free Q&A or session with one our therapists if you need some help getting the conversation started!