Real Results: A Story of Reconnection

A Case Study…

We had a couple come to us with “communication problems.”

Ann and Lance were married after a year of dating, then had 3 kids within 5 years. Ann said she has not felt any closeness or connection to Lance since their first child was born. 

She said he has spent more time at work and has become more distant after several promotions. She said that even though she also works full-time, she carries most of the responsibility for the kids and home. Lance said he tries to help, but feels she is always pointing out how he is doing things wrong. 

He said that ever since they started having kids, there’s no time for their relationship, which we revealed to mean that he felt that she had no time for him. We slowly revealed this was not a communication problem but an emotions issue. 

Neither had learned how to communicate on an emotional level with the other. Instead, their difficult emotions fueled constant arguments that were never resolved, and every argument felt bigger than the last. They watched TV in separate rooms at night, Lance regularly fell asleep on the couch, saying he didn’t want to risk waking her up. 

Through our sessions we helped them actually interpret their difficult emotions like sadness, loneliness and the fear that they weren’t good enough for the other. 

Finally, they HEARD each other for the first time in their relationship. They saw the truth – there are two people with their own realities in a relationship – each with memories shaded by their emotions, past and state of mind. 

Once Ann and Lance stopped trying to prove their reality was more true than the other’s, they were able to UNDERSTAND each other’s reality without feeling obligated to AGREE with each other’s reality. They rekindled their connection, found ways to create intimacy in the little time they had in their daily lives and went out of their way to share their emotions, rather than try and hide them. 

They were finally communicating on an emotional level, which only built a more intimate relationship. Couples counseling helped.